Giving Until It Hurts

Life is but a boomerang. Everything comes back to us. What we throw out will simply bounce back. If we give more, we receive more; if we give less, we receive less. I was told that the real essence of giving is doing it until it hurts. I thought about it a lot of times and I've asked myself a couple of questions: "Will I be able to give until it hurts??" "What about MY needs?" When you are down to your last centavo, and you see someone who needs it far more than you do and give it up for that person, is that giving until it hurts?? Then I remembered the old widow in the Bible who gave her very last coins to the offering plate knowing that she won't have anything else to live on. She gave more than any of the other rich guys who offered big sums of money. So I thought to myself, when you give, it doesn't matter how much is given up. What matters is how much is left in your wallet after giving. Now where does "Life is but a boomerang" fit in to all this?? Simple. God sees all things. We reap what we sow. If we sow sparingly, we shall reap sparingly. Giving to others is not a disadvantage for us, it is an opportunity to receive MORE. I take this as a challenge for myself. Faith, as Pastor Ryan said, is giving when you don't have it.I don't lose anything when I give, I simply release God's power to bless me and provide me with more- far more than I could ask for or imagine.

Can't Hurry Love

"You cannot give what you do not have," said Pastor Ryan as Mervin and I slowly took the two vacant seats beside my cousin at a function room in McDonald's where the youth service was held last Valentine's Day. I noticed that all the outreach leaders were wearing this white t-shirt with "Can't Hurry Love" printed on it. The room was cozy but a bit noisy with about a hundred teenagers and college students present that night. As I took my seat, Pastor Ryan immediately caught my attention with what he was discussing. He was emphasizing the value of waiting for the right person God has prepared for each one. I appreciate his message very much that night that I was almost brought to tears as I thought about my struggles with my emotions this past month. "Don't hurry love, you are worth the wait." He then encouraged us to take a stand that night, to be proud that we will wait for the right time and for the right person. He asked people to stand up if they were willing to remain pure until that person and that time will come. I stood up with little hesitation, although I knew it was a big step for me to take considering how I obsessed over my crush this past few weeks. Remaining pure was out of the question, but the waiting part needs a lot of focus and energy for me to actually do.

Another of Pastor Ryan's points that struck me the most was how impossible it was to give what you don't have. Love, he said, is founded on God and He displayed that love by sending His Son to die on the Cross. God's very nature is love, and we will never know what love is if we don't know who God is. We will never know who God is if we don't have a relationship with Him. The "love" that this world is so engrossed with is fleeting and based primarily on emotions. It is selfish in such a way that people look for it to satisfy their emotional needs. No, nothing is wrong with that, but then love should never be like that.

It is extremely important to wait. When do we know it's the "right time" and when do we know that we are ready to enter into a relationship? Maybe it's not the same for everyone, but for me, it's when I've already become mature in my relationship with God and found true love that only He can give. Then will I be able to share it unconditionally with the person God has prepared for me. Manang Sharon said to me once, "Adam has to sleep while God is forming Eve." So I guess you really can't hurry love- you're (or I'm) worth the wait!

Crossroads

I had a lot of things bothering me for quite a while. First, I had doubts as to which direction my life was heading and if I'm going the right way. I considered shifting to another course because I seemed to have lost my passion and motivation to pursue accountancy. I went to my PSF (personal and social formation) teacher and told her about this. She gave me a list of other courses which I might be interested in and which were more suited for me. I went to the College of Arts and Sciences office to inquire on what courses were open for LiaCom. I wanted to take up Marketing and PolSci or Marketing and MassCom. I was sooo confused. It was that time in my life when I wasn't sure which voice to listen- the one telling me to pursue my goal (not dream) of being an accountant or the other which says that I might be in the wrong place and I'm heading the wrong direction.

My classmates talked to me about this and said that I'm not the only one having doubts on whether to continue with the course or not. I wasn't alone. After giving it more careful thought, I decided to give it one more shot. I am now convinced more than ever that I am in the right place. I might be having a hard time with my studies, but who doesn't? Life isn't a bed of roses. With that cleared off my mind, I thought everything was back in place.

I was wrong.

My spiritual life was in its all-time high. God kept the fire burning in my heart and I thought I was maturing in my spiritual walk. I didn't know that my response to some terrible words spoken against me would cause me to stumble. Sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words cannot hurt me. But they did. Imagine how it would feel like when people close to your heart would tell you that you are more of a burden than a blessing (and this is a more subtle version of what was said). When you put it in accounting terms, I'm more of a liability than an asset. I'm not doing anything to help the situation, they said. I was hurt and I had no one to whom I could vent out my anger I took it out on God. I told Him that I didn't want to be a Christian anymore. I didn't pray for several days and took control of my own life. It didn't make me happy though. I was more miserable than ever, and I needed my dad so badly. I dreamt of him and woke up crying one night. He left me and passed on his responsibility to someone who doesn't want it. I didn't chose to be in this situation. If I could just do more to help so no one could tell me I'm worthless. I am still hurting, and I don't know until when.

I am back to my Christian walk, but this time, I'm taking it more slowly. I'm taking it one day at a time. God leads the way and I follow. I still am confused, hurt and broken but it's not reason enough to turn against God. I'm slowly picking up the pieces of my life again. I knew this would happen. Every once in a while, I knew I would stumble and fall. But as the saying goes, success is not in never falling, but in rising up every time you fall. I just hope and pray that I would never let go of my faith again.

the year that was and the year that will be

2005 was a tough year for me. It was the year when I had to mend my broken heart and pick up the pieces of what's left of it. It was the year when I made a lot of mistakes and also the year when I truly understood what it is to be when you learn from your faults. It was the year when I tried so hard to be careful not to fall, but learned to rise up every time I did. It was the year when I had to face a lot of failures, disappointments and fears. It was the year when I wanted to quit. Quit on being strong..on being tough... on being faithful... on being who I am. Fortunately, 2005 didn't end with me losing my sense of self. It didn't end without my heart being whole again. And most of all, it didn't end without me growing up. Yes, I grew up. I've finally said goodbye to my childish ways and thoughts. I am now a woman. This will be my last year at being a teenager. I will face this year with more maturity and faith, knowing that what lies ahead of me is in the control of my Maker. I just hope for the best to come. This will be a prosperous year, I can tell.

A Christmas Prayer

It's 2:12 a.m. of December 25, 2005. Everyone has gone to sleep. As I sit here in front of the computer thinking about something important to write on, I remember two of the most important things I have learned this past year- contentment and trust. Looking back at what has transpired this past year, it pleases me to say that one way or another, I have taken to heart these values. God has taught me to be content by showing me that there is more to this world than just material possessions. The desire to possess things is never ending. You would want more of the things you don't have but then discard them eventually and start looking for other things to better please you. It's never easy to be contented, but it is most important if one wants to live a full and happy life. As Paul said in one of his letters, "in whatever state I am, I learn to be content..." (or something like that). God has also taught me to trust. I am dependent on Him alone because He is my source of everything. As with contentment, learning to trust God is soooo very difficult. It's like walking in the dark with only your friend's voice telling you which way to go. It's believing even without seeing. Sometimes I feel so helpless that I get tempted to doubt, to worry and to go astray. I shared that feeling to friends I have at Church. Ate Sha, my outreach group leader told me one thing. She said that I shouldn't imagine that it's me holding on to God's hand because I might have the tendency to let go. Instead, it should be God holding mine because then I can rest assured that He is faithful enough and strong enough to never let go. It is my prayer this Christmas that my friends and family might learn these things as well. I am not an expert on this yet, but I know that God is working in my life and I'm growing in faith. I just hope I can influence people to do the same. Contentment and trust for me are very essential to a full and happy life.

Just thinking

You are having one of the most stress-free days of your life and you feel glad about it thinking that everything is going just the way you want them to. You feel light-hearted and blessed. There is this sense of serenity and peace that seem to linger in the atmosphere despite the chaos that is ever present in your surroundings. This is usually the type of day that is followed by a night which is contrary to what you have experienced just a few hours back. Just because you were having a good day doesn’t necessarily mean that the rest of the human populace also went through the same. It is even worse when people that surround you who are stuck in their own problems and insecurities drag you down with them. You get reprimanded for the slightest mistake. It would then seem that you should feel guilty for having such a good day while they went through hell. It is as if you aren’t allowed to laugh while the rest of the world is crying, or at least someone else is. It is in moments like this when you are left with no choice but to be quiet, for whatever you say would still be taken against you. It is in times such as this that locking yourself up and escaping from the harsh realities of life appear to be the best solution. Be grateful for moments like this. These are exactly the instances when you can fully understand the true essence of patience and empathy.

Me? Really??

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Wow! Mother Teresa eh? That's a compliment.. :)

Bring Me Back to You

I have been struggling with my doubts, fears and anxieties for the past few months. I could say that for a long time, I have allowed myself to be carried away by the heavy outpouring of lies and deceit that the enemy has planned on using against me to shake my faith, which I believe was built on firm foundation. I gave him a stronghold- a way to defeat me, and for the past months or so, I was definitely losing the battle which was already won for me by Christ in Calvary. I was led astray by false accusations made by the enemy. I was made to think that I am not worthy to come before God because sin has gotten in between us. I fell right into the trap. I ran away from God because I became a victim of Satan as he used his very powerful device- a magnifying glass! (I am not joking.) He used it to make my problems look bigger, and thus, he got my undivided attention. I wasn't looking at how big my Father is anymore, but on how overwhelming my circumstances were. I wasn't focused on His forgiving and loving nature anymore, but on how big my sin is, how unforgivable, how shameful. The magnifying glass has done its miracle.

Broken, that is what I was. With the realization of my brokenness, it became easy enough to acknowledge my need for the only One who could make me whole again. As I inch a bit closer to Him, I realized that nothing could ever separate me from His love because there is no degree of sin that His love cannot forgive. As I took a step towards Him, I knew I could never be the same without Him. And finally, as I held out my hand to Him, I acknowledged that He is all I want or will ever need.

Yesterday was Sunday, and for the first time in months, I went to church.

The Difficulties of Life

Kids suffering from child labor; women battling with breast cancer; families hardly eating three full meals a day; people trying to cope with poverty, suffering from the loss of a loved one, and struggling against life’s bondages.

The world is full of this and more, so it is of little wonder why a lot of people refuse to believe in the existence of a good and loving God. Someone once asked me why God would create me, my dad and cancer and require us to ask Him to heal it. Shame and guilt overcame me as I realized that I didn’t have the answer to this question. My mind raced and quickly went in search for a useful passage in the Bible. To my great dismay, my mind went absolutely blank. I kept pondering on the question, but with my own strength and wisdom, I couldn’t seem to form an answer. I asked some people I know about their opinion and here are some of what I got:

· God never promised us a rose garden.
· God didn’t create suffering and pain, Satan did.
· We live in a fallen world. People suffer because of the consequences of their sins.
· Suffering and pain are sent to test us.
· It started when Adam and Eve sinned against God in the Garden of Eden. It was sin that brought about suffering and pain. It is a result of man’s choice.
· God allows such because He is mean and He loves seeing people suffer.

I came across this email from a friend, which seemed to answer the question. Ok, I think I’ll post it next time so as not to bore you.

This morning, as I opened my reading for the day, here is what I found:

The question of God’s allowing pain and suffering has plagued man’s heart since the beginning of time: If God is a good God, why does He allow bad things to happen? God always has a purpose for allowing the difficulties of life:

Spiritual cleansing. Nothing exposes sin like pain and suffering.

Companionship. God is not the author of evil, but He uses it to bring you into a closer relationship with Himself.

Conformity. C.S. Lewis once commented: “Prayer does not change God; it changes us.” Adversity purifies your motives and strips away the dross in your life so that you reflect His love to others with an even greater brilliance.

Conviction. After Christ’s death, the disciples had to hold fast to what they believed concerning God’s Son. In the end, the adversity they faced led to an increased joy that came through the reality of living in harmony with the Holy Spirit.

Comfort. When God becomes your only Source of comfort in times of trials, you will experience an inner peace like nothing you have felt before. (Into His Presence by Charles Stanley, 2000)

I posted this blog so I could use it as easy reference the next time I am faced with the same question. We are all entitled to an opinion, so I’m open to hear some more thoughts on this.

A Wonderful Thought

When I'm in my darkest moments, God often finds a way to remind me of how important I am to Him. Like today for instance, I felt like I was the most worthless piece of ...uhh,err..creature (piece of creature?!?) that ever walked on this planet because that's exactly what other people try to make me feel (and it hurts to think that these "other people" are actually the ones closest to my heart). I don't want to go into the details because it would just make me feel worse than I already do. Here's what God wanted to tell me through a message sent by my closest friend just when I badly needed it:

There are many reasons God saved you: to bring glory to Himself, to appease His justice, to demonstrate His sovereignty. But one of the sweetest reasons God saved you is because He is fond of you. He likes having you around. He thinks you are the best thing to come down the pike in quite a while. If God had a refrigerator , your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He will listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, but He chose your heart. Face it friend.. HE'S CRAZY ABOUT YOU!

It's a wonderful thought, God being crazy about me! Someone so powerful, so mighty and awesome would actually be crazy about some girl who falls asleep while in the middle of a conversation with Him, and who sometimes blames Him for all the misfortune she has faced and who oftentimes humiliates Him because of the way she acts. It's hard to imagine but it is true. This thought hasn't made me hurt-proof, because it doesn't change the fact that I'm human, so yes, I still get hurt by how people try to make me feel. It has done one thing though. It assured me that no matter what other people say or do to me, God cares so much about me! And THAT makes me soooo not worthless! Because if I were, He wouldn't have died on that cross.

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

(An email from our pastor when I lost my dad. I would like to believe that it's from my wonderful papa.)

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see.
If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
All filled with tears for me.

I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
The way, you did today.
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much , as I love you.
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand.
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand.

And said my place was ready,
In Heaven, far above.
And that I'd have to leave behind,
All those, I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye.
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much yet to do.
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays.
The good ones and the bad.
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for awhile.
I'd say goodbye and kiss you,
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be.
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss, come tomorrow.
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.

He said "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today for life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last.
And since each day's the same day,
There's no longing for the past.

But you have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times, you did some things,
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven,
And now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand,
And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart.
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

Why Mothers Cry

(a post I found on a very special website)

"Why are you crying?" he asked his mom.
"Because I'm a mother." she told him.
"I don't understand." he said.
"You never will, but that's okay."
Later the little boy asked his father,
Why mothers seemed to cry for no reason.
"All mothers cry for no reason,"
Was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man,
Still wondering, why mothers cry.
So he finally put in a call to God.
And when God got on the phone the man said,
"God, why do mothers cry so easily?"
God said:
"You see son, when I made mothers,
They had to be special.
I made their shoulders strong enough to carry,
The weight of the world,
Yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave them an inner strength,
To endure childbirth and rejection,
That many times come from their children.
I gave them a hardness that allows them
To keep going, when everyone else gives up.
And to take care of their families through,
Sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave them the sensitivity to love their children,
Under all circumstances.
Even when their child has hurt them very badly.
This same sensitivity helps them,
To make a child's boo-boo feel better.
And helps them share a teenager's anxieties and fears.
I gave her strength to care for her husband,
Despite, faults.
And I fashioned her from his rib,
To protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know,
That a good husband, never hurts his wife.
But sometimes tests her strengths.
And her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
For all of this hard work, I also gave her,
A tear to shed.
It is hers to use whenever needed,
And it is her only weakness.
When you see her cry,
Tell her how much you love her.
And all she does for everyone,
And even though she may still cry,
You will have made her heart feel good."
"She is special!"

In behalf of all the kids who made their mama cry, I would like to say sorry! For my mom and all the wonderful mothers out there, THANK YOU for making life a whole lot special! Cheers!!! =)