My Little Balcony

I am terrified of heights.  I wasn't when I was younger but since having Summer I have developed many fears, some even irrational.  Many, if not all women go through postpartum and I thought this was largely due to that.  It's been 4 years though and I'm still finding it incredibly hard to step out of my balcony to hang the laundry or look out the window while the airplane takes off.  I don't think it's a crippling fear but it's got me a little more cautious than normal where my daughter is concerned.  

The weather in Dubai has changed and for the last few days I started opening the balcony door to let the nice cool breeze in.  I did the same this afternoon when I saw the setting sun and the gorgeous backdrop it gave the vast wilderness.  I stepped out, felt the wind on my face and just took it all in.  And for a brief moment there, I was oblivious to my fear.  In fact, all the anxious thoughts and worries from yesterday and the days before seemed to fade away as I took the time to just be present.  

My pleasant reverie was interrupted shortly when I heard Summer's tiny voice behind me, hesitant but hopeful that I'd let her come out and join me in her most forbidden area of the flat.  I smiled and slowly took her to sit on my lap as I continued to appreciate the afternoon that it was.  

Eleven Years Later

How do you get out of a rut? Can someone please tell me? How does anybody snap out of a mental conditioning where you believe you're miserable despite being surrounded with so much apparent goodness? You have a good job, a roof over your head, a little sunshine girl - everything seems to be in place and hardly anything to really complain about. But why the internal struggle? Why is there a creeping desolation? 

I guess because when you're in a rut, you just are. There's no hearing you out, no motivational talk, no change of environment that can get you out of it. You're just there, stuck. 

Do you wait this out? Should you hold on tight until the storm passes and you can finally climb out of the dark pit? Can you wish that it hasn't left you indelible marks yet somehow know it's impossible to go through the emotional beating unscathed? So what do you f*cking do? 

Silence. 

Does anybody ever really figure out what to do? Tomorrow when you wake up, you would hope to be free. But if that doesn't happen you continue getting up and go through the motions of life because clearly, there is no other choice.

Dark and Uncertain

On the night of his death, I didn’t feel the pain and sorrow of loss. I cried because I was sad, but I didn’t cry because I grieved. Six years into the future, I never thought that only now will I mourn his passing. Dark and troubled misery for what was eternally lost tortures more than any physical pain conceivable. Thoughts of what could have been create a sinister emotion that adds to the anguish which is never completely eased. I thought that the day of his passing was the juncture in my life that I could never live through, but here I am, fully convinced that the worst has yet to come. I have known the joy that life can bring, but as real as happiness, love and peace are to this world, sorrow, pain and desolation lurk just as constantly. Everyday poses a threat. Every ticking of a clock is a warning. No one knows the time and the place so no one is prepared enough. Five years of illness still didn’t prepare me when death finally struck. Everyday I tried to be ready, but when it finally came, it still caught me unprepared. Death, I tell you, is a certainty. I don’t want to live in fear of it, but I will live with the thought of its near coming. I embrace the melancholy it goes along with because it will push me to love more, laugh more and give more. I lost the chance to say one more “I love you,” lost the privilege of giving one more hug, lost the opportunity to give back for what he’s done for me, but I will never lose that chance, that privilege, that opportunity again. If I lost them with him, I vow never to lose them with the others.

Typically Me

When I was about fourteen years old, I already knew what I want my life to be when I finally become independent. I knew exactly what line of study I was going to take and what job I was going to apply for. I had zero doubt that I'd be successful one day.

Today, I have already graduated from college, passed the Certified Public Accountant Licensure Exam and working in one of the best, if not THE best auditing firm in the country. I know that it's only a matter of time that I will earn more than my keep and become financially stable. A few more years and I will be fully satisfied with my career and my life.

It's great if I try to look at it that way, but in reality, it isn't as simple as it sounds.

I woke up this morning feeling so lost and confused. I thought that where I am now is where I really want to be, but I'm not that sure anymore. I have this fear that thirty years from now I'll look back at my life and find out that I went after what I THOUGHT I desired most and end up not really satisfied with everything I've accomplished. I don't want to go after what seems to be right just because it gives you security and a hefty paycheck. I want to pursue something that I really want without fear of regret. Don't get me wrong. I am not successful yet. I don't even earn much. But I know that if I just follow the path leading toward that direction, it is more than possible. The question is, is it what I want?

I am in a state of so much confusion right now. If I can just radically decide on leaving everything behind and look for that one thing that I have always wanted to do(but didn't know I did), I surely will. But life isn't like that. I have to calculate risks and strategize just like every sane person would do. For now, I just need to sit still, keep quiet and stop thinking. Maybe it'll just come to me.

Giving Until It Hurts

Life is but a boomerang. Everything comes back to us. What we throw out will simply bounce back. If we give more, we receive more; if we give less, we receive less. I was told that the real essence of giving is doing it until it hurts. I thought about it a lot of times and I've asked myself a couple of questions: "Will I be able to give until it hurts??" "What about MY needs?" When you are down to your last centavo, and you see someone who needs it far more than you do and give it up for that person, is that giving until it hurts?? Then I remembered the old widow in the Bible who gave her very last coins to the offering plate knowing that she won't have anything else to live on. She gave more than any of the other rich guys who offered big sums of money. So I thought to myself, when you give, it doesn't matter how much is given up. What matters is how much is left in your wallet after giving. Now where does "Life is but a boomerang" fit in to all this?? Simple. God sees all things. We reap what we sow. If we sow sparingly, we shall reap sparingly. Giving to others is not a disadvantage for us, it is an opportunity to receive MORE. I take this as a challenge for myself. Faith, as Pastor Ryan said, is giving when you don't have it.I don't lose anything when I give, I simply release God's power to bless me and provide me with more- far more than I could ask for or imagine.

Can't Hurry Love

"You cannot give what you do not have," said Pastor Ryan as Mervin and I slowly took the two vacant seats beside my cousin at a function room in McDonald's where the youth service was held last Valentine's Day. I noticed that all the outreach leaders were wearing this white t-shirt with "Can't Hurry Love" printed on it. The room was cozy but a bit noisy with about a hundred teenagers and college students present that night. As I took my seat, Pastor Ryan immediately caught my attention with what he was discussing. He was emphasizing the value of waiting for the right person God has prepared for each one. I appreciate his message very much that night that I was almost brought to tears as I thought about my struggles with my emotions this past month. "Don't hurry love, you are worth the wait." He then encouraged us to take a stand that night, to be proud that we will wait for the right time and for the right person. He asked people to stand up if they were willing to remain pure until that person and that time will come. I stood up with little hesitation, although I knew it was a big step for me to take considering how I obsessed over my crush this past few weeks. Remaining pure was out of the question, but the waiting part needs a lot of focus and energy for me to actually do.

Another of Pastor Ryan's points that struck me the most was how impossible it was to give what you don't have. Love, he said, is founded on God and He displayed that love by sending His Son to die on the Cross. God's very nature is love, and we will never know what love is if we don't know who God is. We will never know who God is if we don't have a relationship with Him. The "love" that this world is so engrossed with is fleeting and based primarily on emotions. It is selfish in such a way that people look for it to satisfy their emotional needs. No, nothing is wrong with that, but then love should never be like that.

It is extremely important to wait. When do we know it's the "right time" and when do we know that we are ready to enter into a relationship? Maybe it's not the same for everyone, but for me, it's when I've already become mature in my relationship with God and found true love that only He can give. Then will I be able to share it unconditionally with the person God has prepared for me. Manang Sharon said to me once, "Adam has to sleep while God is forming Eve." So I guess you really can't hurry love- you're (or I'm) worth the wait!

Crossroads

I had a lot of things bothering me for quite a while. First, I had doubts as to which direction my life was heading and if I'm going the right way. I considered shifting to another course because I seemed to have lost my passion and motivation to pursue accountancy. I went to my PSF (personal and social formation) teacher and told her about this. She gave me a list of other courses which I might be interested in and which were more suited for me. I went to the College of Arts and Sciences office to inquire on what courses were open for LiaCom. I wanted to take up Marketing and PolSci or Marketing and MassCom. I was sooo confused. It was that time in my life when I wasn't sure which voice to listen- the one telling me to pursue my goal (not dream) of being an accountant or the other which says that I might be in the wrong place and I'm heading the wrong direction.

My classmates talked to me about this and said that I'm not the only one having doubts on whether to continue with the course or not. I wasn't alone. After giving it more careful thought, I decided to give it one more shot. I am now convinced more than ever that I am in the right place. I might be having a hard time with my studies, but who doesn't? Life isn't a bed of roses. With that cleared off my mind, I thought everything was back in place.

I was wrong.

My spiritual life was in its all-time high. God kept the fire burning in my heart and I thought I was maturing in my spiritual walk. I didn't know that my response to some terrible words spoken against me would cause me to stumble. Sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words cannot hurt me. But they did. Imagine how it would feel like when people close to your heart would tell you that you are more of a burden than a blessing (and this is a more subtle version of what was said). When you put it in accounting terms, I'm more of a liability than an asset. I'm not doing anything to help the situation, they said. I was hurt and I had no one to whom I could vent out my anger I took it out on God. I told Him that I didn't want to be a Christian anymore. I didn't pray for several days and took control of my own life. It didn't make me happy though. I was more miserable than ever, and I needed my dad so badly. I dreamt of him and woke up crying one night. He left me and passed on his responsibility to someone who doesn't want it. I didn't chose to be in this situation. If I could just do more to help so no one could tell me I'm worthless. I am still hurting, and I don't know until when.

I am back to my Christian walk, but this time, I'm taking it more slowly. I'm taking it one day at a time. God leads the way and I follow. I still am confused, hurt and broken but it's not reason enough to turn against God. I'm slowly picking up the pieces of my life again. I knew this would happen. Every once in a while, I knew I would stumble and fall. But as the saying goes, success is not in never falling, but in rising up every time you fall. I just hope and pray that I would never let go of my faith again.