Dark and Uncertain

On the night of his death, I didn’t feel the pain and sorrow of loss. I cried because I was sad, but I didn’t cry because I grieved. Six years into the future, I never thought that only now will I mourn his passing. Dark and troubled misery for what was eternally lost tortures more than any physical pain conceivable. Thoughts of what could have been create a sinister emotion that adds to the anguish which is never completely eased. I thought that the day of his passing was the juncture in my life that I could never live through, but here I am, fully convinced that the worst has yet to come. I have known the joy that life can bring, but as real as happiness, love and peace are to this world, sorrow, pain and desolation lurk just as constantly. Everyday poses a threat. Every ticking of a clock is a warning. No one knows the time and the place so no one is prepared enough. Five years of illness still didn’t prepare me when death finally struck. Everyday I tried to be ready, but when it finally came, it still caught me unprepared. Death, I tell you, is a certainty. I don’t want to live in fear of it, but I will live with the thought of its near coming. I embrace the melancholy it goes along with because it will push me to love more, laugh more and give more. I lost the chance to say one more “I love you,” lost the privilege of giving one more hug, lost the opportunity to give back for what he’s done for me, but I will never lose that chance, that privilege, that opportunity again. If I lost them with him, I vow never to lose them with the others.