Dark and Uncertain

On the night of his death, I didn’t feel the pain and sorrow of loss. I cried because I was sad, but I didn’t cry because I grieved. Six years into the future, I never thought that only now will I mourn his passing. Dark and troubled misery for what was eternally lost tortures more than any physical pain conceivable. Thoughts of what could have been create a sinister emotion that adds to the anguish which is never completely eased. I thought that the day of his passing was the juncture in my life that I could never live through, but here I am, fully convinced that the worst has yet to come. I have known the joy that life can bring, but as real as happiness, love and peace are to this world, sorrow, pain and desolation lurk just as constantly. Everyday poses a threat. Every ticking of a clock is a warning. No one knows the time and the place so no one is prepared enough. Five years of illness still didn’t prepare me when death finally struck. Everyday I tried to be ready, but when it finally came, it still caught me unprepared. Death, I tell you, is a certainty. I don’t want to live in fear of it, but I will live with the thought of its near coming. I embrace the melancholy it goes along with because it will push me to love more, laugh more and give more. I lost the chance to say one more “I love you,” lost the privilege of giving one more hug, lost the opportunity to give back for what he’s done for me, but I will never lose that chance, that privilege, that opportunity again. If I lost them with him, I vow never to lose them with the others.

Typically Me

When I was about fourteen years old, I already knew what I want my life to be when I finally become independent. I knew exactly what line of study I was going to take and what job I was going to apply for. I had zero doubt that I'd be successful one day.

Today, I have already graduated from college, passed the Certified Public Accountant Licensure Exam and working in one of the best, if not THE best auditing firm in the country. I know that it's only a matter of time that I will earn more than my keep and become financially stable. A few more years and I will be fully satisfied with my career and my life.

It's great if I try to look at it that way, but in reality, it isn't as simple as it sounds.

I woke up this morning feeling so lost and confused. I thought that where I am now is where I really want to be, but I'm not that sure anymore. I have this fear that thirty years from now I'll look back at my life and find out that I went after what I THOUGHT I desired most and end up not really satisfied with everything I've accomplished. I don't want to go after what seems to be right just because it gives you security and a hefty paycheck. I want to pursue something that I really want without fear of regret. Don't get me wrong. I am not successful yet. I don't even earn much. But I know that if I just follow the path leading toward that direction, it is more than possible. The question is, is it what I want?

I am in a state of so much confusion right now. If I can just radically decide on leaving everything behind and look for that one thing that I have always wanted to do(but didn't know I did), I surely will. But life isn't like that. I have to calculate risks and strategize just like every sane person would do. For now, I just need to sit still, keep quiet and stop thinking. Maybe it'll just come to me.