Crossroads

I had a lot of things bothering me for quite a while. First, I had doubts as to which direction my life was heading and if I'm going the right way. I considered shifting to another course because I seemed to have lost my passion and motivation to pursue accountancy. I went to my PSF (personal and social formation) teacher and told her about this. She gave me a list of other courses which I might be interested in and which were more suited for me. I went to the College of Arts and Sciences office to inquire on what courses were open for LiaCom. I wanted to take up Marketing and PolSci or Marketing and MassCom. I was sooo confused. It was that time in my life when I wasn't sure which voice to listen- the one telling me to pursue my goal (not dream) of being an accountant or the other which says that I might be in the wrong place and I'm heading the wrong direction.

My classmates talked to me about this and said that I'm not the only one having doubts on whether to continue with the course or not. I wasn't alone. After giving it more careful thought, I decided to give it one more shot. I am now convinced more than ever that I am in the right place. I might be having a hard time with my studies, but who doesn't? Life isn't a bed of roses. With that cleared off my mind, I thought everything was back in place.

I was wrong.

My spiritual life was in its all-time high. God kept the fire burning in my heart and I thought I was maturing in my spiritual walk. I didn't know that my response to some terrible words spoken against me would cause me to stumble. Sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words cannot hurt me. But they did. Imagine how it would feel like when people close to your heart would tell you that you are more of a burden than a blessing (and this is a more subtle version of what was said). When you put it in accounting terms, I'm more of a liability than an asset. I'm not doing anything to help the situation, they said. I was hurt and I had no one to whom I could vent out my anger I took it out on God. I told Him that I didn't want to be a Christian anymore. I didn't pray for several days and took control of my own life. It didn't make me happy though. I was more miserable than ever, and I needed my dad so badly. I dreamt of him and woke up crying one night. He left me and passed on his responsibility to someone who doesn't want it. I didn't chose to be in this situation. If I could just do more to help so no one could tell me I'm worthless. I am still hurting, and I don't know until when.

I am back to my Christian walk, but this time, I'm taking it more slowly. I'm taking it one day at a time. God leads the way and I follow. I still am confused, hurt and broken but it's not reason enough to turn against God. I'm slowly picking up the pieces of my life again. I knew this would happen. Every once in a while, I knew I would stumble and fall. But as the saying goes, success is not in never falling, but in rising up every time you fall. I just hope and pray that I would never let go of my faith again.

the year that was and the year that will be

2005 was a tough year for me. It was the year when I had to mend my broken heart and pick up the pieces of what's left of it. It was the year when I made a lot of mistakes and also the year when I truly understood what it is to be when you learn from your faults. It was the year when I tried so hard to be careful not to fall, but learned to rise up every time I did. It was the year when I had to face a lot of failures, disappointments and fears. It was the year when I wanted to quit. Quit on being strong..on being tough... on being faithful... on being who I am. Fortunately, 2005 didn't end with me losing my sense of self. It didn't end without my heart being whole again. And most of all, it didn't end without me growing up. Yes, I grew up. I've finally said goodbye to my childish ways and thoughts. I am now a woman. This will be my last year at being a teenager. I will face this year with more maturity and faith, knowing that what lies ahead of me is in the control of my Maker. I just hope for the best to come. This will be a prosperous year, I can tell.