Giving Until It Hurts

Life is but a boomerang. Everything comes back to us. What we throw out will simply bounce back. If we give more, we receive more; if we give less, we receive less. I was told that the real essence of giving is doing it until it hurts. I thought about it a lot of times and I've asked myself a couple of questions: "Will I be able to give until it hurts??" "What about MY needs?" When you are down to your last centavo, and you see someone who needs it far more than you do and give it up for that person, is that giving until it hurts?? Then I remembered the old widow in the Bible who gave her very last coins to the offering plate knowing that she won't have anything else to live on. She gave more than any of the other rich guys who offered big sums of money. So I thought to myself, when you give, it doesn't matter how much is given up. What matters is how much is left in your wallet after giving. Now where does "Life is but a boomerang" fit in to all this?? Simple. God sees all things. We reap what we sow. If we sow sparingly, we shall reap sparingly. Giving to others is not a disadvantage for us, it is an opportunity to receive MORE. I take this as a challenge for myself. Faith, as Pastor Ryan said, is giving when you don't have it.I don't lose anything when I give, I simply release God's power to bless me and provide me with more- far more than I could ask for or imagine.

Can't Hurry Love

"You cannot give what you do not have," said Pastor Ryan as Mervin and I slowly took the two vacant seats beside my cousin at a function room in McDonald's where the youth service was held last Valentine's Day. I noticed that all the outreach leaders were wearing this white t-shirt with "Can't Hurry Love" printed on it. The room was cozy but a bit noisy with about a hundred teenagers and college students present that night. As I took my seat, Pastor Ryan immediately caught my attention with what he was discussing. He was emphasizing the value of waiting for the right person God has prepared for each one. I appreciate his message very much that night that I was almost brought to tears as I thought about my struggles with my emotions this past month. "Don't hurry love, you are worth the wait." He then encouraged us to take a stand that night, to be proud that we will wait for the right time and for the right person. He asked people to stand up if they were willing to remain pure until that person and that time will come. I stood up with little hesitation, although I knew it was a big step for me to take considering how I obsessed over my crush this past few weeks. Remaining pure was out of the question, but the waiting part needs a lot of focus and energy for me to actually do.

Another of Pastor Ryan's points that struck me the most was how impossible it was to give what you don't have. Love, he said, is founded on God and He displayed that love by sending His Son to die on the Cross. God's very nature is love, and we will never know what love is if we don't know who God is. We will never know who God is if we don't have a relationship with Him. The "love" that this world is so engrossed with is fleeting and based primarily on emotions. It is selfish in such a way that people look for it to satisfy their emotional needs. No, nothing is wrong with that, but then love should never be like that.

It is extremely important to wait. When do we know it's the "right time" and when do we know that we are ready to enter into a relationship? Maybe it's not the same for everyone, but for me, it's when I've already become mature in my relationship with God and found true love that only He can give. Then will I be able to share it unconditionally with the person God has prepared for me. Manang Sharon said to me once, "Adam has to sleep while God is forming Eve." So I guess you really can't hurry love- you're (or I'm) worth the wait!

Crossroads

I had a lot of things bothering me for quite a while. First, I had doubts as to which direction my life was heading and if I'm going the right way. I considered shifting to another course because I seemed to have lost my passion and motivation to pursue accountancy. I went to my PSF (personal and social formation) teacher and told her about this. She gave me a list of other courses which I might be interested in and which were more suited for me. I went to the College of Arts and Sciences office to inquire on what courses were open for LiaCom. I wanted to take up Marketing and PolSci or Marketing and MassCom. I was sooo confused. It was that time in my life when I wasn't sure which voice to listen- the one telling me to pursue my goal (not dream) of being an accountant or the other which says that I might be in the wrong place and I'm heading the wrong direction.

My classmates talked to me about this and said that I'm not the only one having doubts on whether to continue with the course or not. I wasn't alone. After giving it more careful thought, I decided to give it one more shot. I am now convinced more than ever that I am in the right place. I might be having a hard time with my studies, but who doesn't? Life isn't a bed of roses. With that cleared off my mind, I thought everything was back in place.

I was wrong.

My spiritual life was in its all-time high. God kept the fire burning in my heart and I thought I was maturing in my spiritual walk. I didn't know that my response to some terrible words spoken against me would cause me to stumble. Sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words cannot hurt me. But they did. Imagine how it would feel like when people close to your heart would tell you that you are more of a burden than a blessing (and this is a more subtle version of what was said). When you put it in accounting terms, I'm more of a liability than an asset. I'm not doing anything to help the situation, they said. I was hurt and I had no one to whom I could vent out my anger I took it out on God. I told Him that I didn't want to be a Christian anymore. I didn't pray for several days and took control of my own life. It didn't make me happy though. I was more miserable than ever, and I needed my dad so badly. I dreamt of him and woke up crying one night. He left me and passed on his responsibility to someone who doesn't want it. I didn't chose to be in this situation. If I could just do more to help so no one could tell me I'm worthless. I am still hurting, and I don't know until when.

I am back to my Christian walk, but this time, I'm taking it more slowly. I'm taking it one day at a time. God leads the way and I follow. I still am confused, hurt and broken but it's not reason enough to turn against God. I'm slowly picking up the pieces of my life again. I knew this would happen. Every once in a while, I knew I would stumble and fall. But as the saying goes, success is not in never falling, but in rising up every time you fall. I just hope and pray that I would never let go of my faith again.

the year that was and the year that will be

2005 was a tough year for me. It was the year when I had to mend my broken heart and pick up the pieces of what's left of it. It was the year when I made a lot of mistakes and also the year when I truly understood what it is to be when you learn from your faults. It was the year when I tried so hard to be careful not to fall, but learned to rise up every time I did. It was the year when I had to face a lot of failures, disappointments and fears. It was the year when I wanted to quit. Quit on being strong..on being tough... on being faithful... on being who I am. Fortunately, 2005 didn't end with me losing my sense of self. It didn't end without my heart being whole again. And most of all, it didn't end without me growing up. Yes, I grew up. I've finally said goodbye to my childish ways and thoughts. I am now a woman. This will be my last year at being a teenager. I will face this year with more maturity and faith, knowing that what lies ahead of me is in the control of my Maker. I just hope for the best to come. This will be a prosperous year, I can tell.