Dark and Uncertain

On the night of his death, I didn’t feel the pain and sorrow of loss. I cried because I was sad, but I didn’t cry because I grieved. Six years into the future, I never thought that only now will I mourn his passing. Dark and troubled misery for what was eternally lost tortures more than any physical pain conceivable. Thoughts of what could have been create a sinister emotion that adds to the anguish which is never completely eased. I thought that the day of his passing was the juncture in my life that I could never live through, but here I am, fully convinced that the worst has yet to come. I have known the joy that life can bring, but as real as happiness, love and peace are to this world, sorrow, pain and desolation lurk just as constantly. Everyday poses a threat. Every ticking of a clock is a warning. No one knows the time and the place so no one is prepared enough. Five years of illness still didn’t prepare me when death finally struck. Everyday I tried to be ready, but when it finally came, it still caught me unprepared. Death, I tell you, is a certainty. I don’t want to live in fear of it, but I will live with the thought of its near coming. I embrace the melancholy it goes along with because it will push me to love more, laugh more and give more. I lost the chance to say one more “I love you,” lost the privilege of giving one more hug, lost the opportunity to give back for what he’s done for me, but I will never lose that chance, that privilege, that opportunity again. If I lost them with him, I vow never to lose them with the others.

Brilliant and Heavenly

This song by Edwin McCain has been in my playlist for several days now and I listen to it on and on. I don't know what's with this song and its lyrics that makes me feel sentimental every time I listen to it. The lyrics somehow speaks about women who are strong and weak at the same time. It gives me a picture of a woman who has courage and strength to face life's battles but doesn't lose her grace, fragility and enormous capacity to love. It tells of a woman who is not afraid to admit her need to be taken cared of even when she knows she can make it alone.

There are Kelly's and Beth's among the women I know today who, in their quiet strength, are longing and crying out for someone to "write them a song."

Write Me A Song
Edwin McCain Band

Kelly is raising her son
His dad left just after the birth
Now she's living on child support checks
I guess that's all that man was worth

She said I just need a man who will love me
But they all just want one night of sin
I know our life could be better
I just don't know where I should begin

She said write me a song
One that makes all the girls cry
And the old women swoon
At the sound of my tune
And the hearts of the lonely will fly
Yeah, they'll fly

Beth, she sings straight from the heart
She's hidden her tracks very well
But these days she's falling apart
And it makes me feel just like hell

She says, boy, you can't imagine my life
The death and the drugs and the pain
And though I keep running
I just can't seem to break from these chains

She said write me a song
Fill it all up with the words
Like brilliant and heavenly
Make it sound just like me
Just like the first time I love you was heard

And now write me a song
One that makes all the girls cry
And the old women swoon
At the sound of my tune
And the hearts of the lonely will fly

We're all feeding our lonely
Like it might go away
The doors of heaven swing wide
If we just find the right words to say

100 questions about me

I was tagged to answer this on facebook. I didn't want to so I'm posting this one here.

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
- i went on a joy ride with my big brother on his motorbike...my leg hit the "exhaust" ( i dunno what you call it)

2. WHATS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
- one big calendar...nothing else. I already packed...

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
- the other one is black and looks efficient (for work).. the other one's green and a bit sporty (for other purposes)

4 WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
- varied :)

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
- afternoon i guess..not sure though

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
- money! kidding! a boyfriend! haha..kidding again.. money and boyfriend!
nah, just to go home!

7. WHO DO YOU MISS?
- my mom and my family and this other person i'm not supposed to miss!

8. WHAT is/are YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION/S?
- my family :)

9. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
- aquarius

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
- depends

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
- if i let my imagination go wild.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
- i can't remember the last time i cried! haha..

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
- lite blue by dolce and gabbana

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
- hair- black, eyes- dark brown (any other color would make him a foreigner)

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?
- i've never thought of it before but now that the question came up, i think it would be in the kids' church while i'm so busy and tired! i want it to be the biggest surprise of my life!

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
--> coffee

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
- cheese!

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
- ice cream!!

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
- my mom... well, i always make her mad or she just gets mad all the time..hehe

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU?
- the first gift i remember that i really liked was my very first barbie doll which started my collection :)

22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?
- yeah, unfortunately...:(

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
- huh??

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
- don't have a favorite

25. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR?
- not exactly a dream car.. a car i like..Volkswagen Beetle... the latest model

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
- no :( i'm dying to get a puppy! i love dogs!

27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
- it would have to be a dog if i do get one

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
- that's hard but why not? i dunno if long distance relationships work but who can stop love? haha! emo!

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
- just say it in a no-nonsense kinda way

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
- seven

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
- brunnette!

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
- MJ's number...many times a day

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
- cab drivers who take advantage of my very poor sense of direction

35. YOUR WEAKNESS?
- my emotions

37. FIRST JOB?
- auditor in SGV & Co. Ernst & Young

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
- haha...yeah

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
- my nose!

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
- i dunno...

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
- being very friendly :)

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
- nothing...coz i don't drink

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
- my very first kiss! haha! joke! nothing fancy...a video greeting from my nieces and nephews would be sweet.

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
- 2 to 3..no, 2 would be enough...i want to give each one the attention that they need. one for each parent. :)

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
- my 2 grandmothers..marietta and andrea.. hence, marriette andrey

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
- yeah...still do... hehe

48. WHAT DID YOU DO THIS MORNING?
- worked!

49. WHAT DID YOU LAST EAT?
- tuna sandwich! i didn't like it.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
- NO! i always hated it.

51. WHAT COUNTRY DO YOU LIVE IN?
- Philippines

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
- i procrastinate and i spend a lot

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MUSIC?
- hmm...dunno..backstreet boys?? get down?? haha!

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU
- yeah of course!

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
- haha yeah!

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
- it depends...but generally, no looks don't matter

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
- i throw things

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
- my dorm :(

59. EVER BEEN DRUNK?
- nope...

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
- barbie

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE
- a lot!

62.IF YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE RIGHT NOW WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
- right with my family in Bacolod

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
- yeah i do.

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
- haha nope

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
- someone who can make me laugh and who i can talk to without getting bored...

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
- mayet, mating, yeti, mayt

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
- chocolate

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLOR(S)?
- green and black

73. WHO/WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?
- my family

74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
- i dunno...

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
- hmmm..i dunno

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
- an Edwin McCain song

77. LAST THING YOU DRANK
- fit n' right

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
- ate han :)

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
- HEIGHT!

80. THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG?
- Realize by Colbie Caillat and Write me a song by Edwin McCain

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
- i hate that i love you?? haha! i dunno..

82. FAVORITE ALCHOHOLIC DRINK(S)
- none

83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN?
- don't have a favorite...

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
- basketball and swimming

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
- black

86. EYE COLOR?
- dark brown

87. HEIGHT?
- 5'6"

88. FAVORITE ANIMAL?
--> dog

89. FAVORITE MONTH(s)?
- February (coz it's my birth month) and December (because of Christmas)

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI?
- yezz

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
- like a movie?? Transformers...but if you mean literally, the time..

92. FAVORITE DAY(s) OF THE YEAR?
- december 25 :)

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
- i've never experienced winter so i'd say summer

95. KISSES OR HUG?
both?

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
- uhmmm...haha! relationships of course!

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
- dinner

98. WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
- i dunno...

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
- captivating by John and Staci Eldredge

100. DO YOU LOVE ANYBODY?
- yes i do.

Big, Fat and Single

In my entire life, I have never been as self-centered as I have been these past few weeks. Lately I thought of nothing else but how big, fat and single I am. Last weekend, I spent the entire Saturday alone in the mall. I went window shopping, had ice cream and bought a book. I spent most of the afternoon in the bookstore browsing through a lot of inspirational books. I was digging through all the must-reads in the "Religion" section looking for the best one that talks about women. I've been having issues with myself lately and I needed some encouragement- something that would assure me that there's nothing wrong with me. Then I suddenly thought to myself, I don't need a book to tell me that I'm worth something. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm unwanted and not good enough for any guy. The value I have as a woman is never based on the number of guys who drool over me or the admiration I get from others. I forgot the fact that a very long time ago, someone had already proven my worth. Unless and until I look at myself through the eyes of my Greatest Lover, I will never know my real value.

I know that God, in His perfect wisdom, destined for me to be single (for now) because He wants me to see my value as a woman not based on the eyes of a man, but based on His undying love for me. One day, I know in my heart that I will meet him- my partner, my best friend, my love. But until then, I will remain cherished and romanced by the very Author of love. That gives me enough assurance that the big, fat and single me is worth a lot.

The Pros and Cons

In a few weeks time I will be transferred to the SGV branch office in Bacolod City. My request for transfer has been approved by my superiors this afternoon and I am just waiting for the date of its effectivity. Until now, I am not sure if this is what I really want so I listed down the pros and cons of this big move. Let me start with the bad things.

Cons:
1. 3 busy seasons before promotion.

Well, the normal length of time of stay in the company before one gets qualified for a promotion is 3 busy seasons. But here in Manila, a lot of associates get promoted after only 2 busy seasons. I asked my manager if it is also possible for the staff in the branches to be promoted as Senior Associate in the same length of time, and he said that it rarely happens since the work in the branches are a bit less complicated compared to that in the main office. I am not after the promotion since being an auditor has never really been a big dream of mine, but a promotion signals a big raise! Who wouldn't want that??

2. Less independence.

I will be living in my sister's house for a couple of months just so I'll have time to save up for a house or an apartment for me and my mom. Even if my sister is very lenient, I would still need to respect the house rules that she and her husband set for their kids. I am currently living alone in the big city and I have somehow enjoyed my independence. Although I've had really tough times like paying too much for my laundry (it takes me forever to wash my clothes) and eating out all the time (I don't know how to cook), I always had fun. I spend the weekends alone but I don't really mind. I know I'll be a bit restricted when I go back to living with my family. I'll just wait and see.

3. Leaving friends.

I made a lot of friends here in Manila and I am very close to a lot of them. I have also grown to love the people I work with and have become very fond of some of my bosses. This is the hardest part. I know that a few days after I leave they'll miss me, but they will eventually get used to my absence and won't mind a bit about my not being around anymore. Yes, there's always the internet - friendster, facebook, etc., and text messaging to keep the communication lines open, but there's nothing like a personal chat with my friends.

The 3 cons are already very depressing so I will stop adding to the list now. Let me move on to the pros.

1. More savings.

It is a fact that the cost of living in Manila is very high. Not only do I pay for my rent, I also pay for everything else- food, fare, laundry, etc. When I get back home, I won't have to pay for the laundry, won't have to take the cab every night and won't have to eat out all the time. I can give my contribution for the groceries and electricity but that won't be much considering the low cost of living in the province.

2. Family time.

I will be with my family. This is the best part. I will be there to see my nephews and nieces grow up and I can be a big part of their lives. This is something I will hate missing if I stay here in Manila. I'll be able to spend more time with my mom, too.

3. Time for extra-curricular activities.

I will have plenty of time to join certain organizations like Gawad Kalinga. Since time in Bacolod runs very slowly, I know I'll be able to juggle volunteer work with my office duties. Plus, I am very excited about starting out with T4T (Teach for Tomorrow).

4. Kids Church once again.

I can go back to teaching in the Kids Church - the one thing I miss a lot. Part of this is having time to spend with my churchmates and joining all our church activities. It's time to fan the flame once again. My passion gradually died because I didn't have enough quiet time in this busy city.

So now the pros outweigh the cons. This was exactly what I needed in the first place. I can sleep soundly tonight.

Typically Me

When I was about fourteen years old, I already knew what I want my life to be when I finally become independent. I knew exactly what line of study I was going to take and what job I was going to apply for. I had zero doubt that I'd be successful one day.

Today, I have already graduated from college, passed the Certified Public Accountant Licensure Exam and working in one of the best, if not THE best auditing firm in the country. I know that it's only a matter of time that I will earn more than my keep and become financially stable. A few more years and I will be fully satisfied with my career and my life.

It's great if I try to look at it that way, but in reality, it isn't as simple as it sounds.

I woke up this morning feeling so lost and confused. I thought that where I am now is where I really want to be, but I'm not that sure anymore. I have this fear that thirty years from now I'll look back at my life and find out that I went after what I THOUGHT I desired most and end up not really satisfied with everything I've accomplished. I don't want to go after what seems to be right just because it gives you security and a hefty paycheck. I want to pursue something that I really want without fear of regret. Don't get me wrong. I am not successful yet. I don't even earn much. But I know that if I just follow the path leading toward that direction, it is more than possible. The question is, is it what I want?

I am in a state of so much confusion right now. If I can just radically decide on leaving everything behind and look for that one thing that I have always wanted to do(but didn't know I did), I surely will. But life isn't like that. I have to calculate risks and strategize just like every sane person would do. For now, I just need to sit still, keep quiet and stop thinking. Maybe it'll just come to me.

Blogger's Block

I wouldn't really call it a blogger's block when it took me almost three long years to post another entry on this once very updated blogsite. But finally I'm back and ready to drown myself again in this hobby that I used to be crazy about. I missed this. It's not just writing a blog or writing in general that makes everything about this enjoyable, it's the learning part that I value most. I have learned a lot from people whose blogs I've read. I might not agree with them most of the time but just reading and getting something from someone else's thoughts is a growing experience no matter how trivial it can be sometimes.

Hmm...how do I start? Where do I begin? For now, I'll just re-connect with the people I've lost contact with and start from there. At least, I'm back! :)

My Life

This is the autobiography I submitted to my Psychology teacher last semester. This is for my brother to read.

IN MEMORY OF MY FATHER

Title: The Apple of His Eye


In the Beginning…


“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Psalm 139: 14


I was brought up in a world full of love. After about ten years, and four grown up boys, my parents finally had another baby girl. I was everything they ever wanted, the apple of everyone’s eye, everybody’s little angel. Surrounded with love, I was secured with who I was and I knew fully well that I was made for something special.

It was the year 1987, a year before my father was elected into office when I finally came into this world. Despite the import of his position in the local government, my father never failed to lavish his little girl with all the love only a princess deserved. I can still remember all the Barbie dolls he so lovingly gave me as presents. Memories of his pride and joy of presenting me to his friends and political cronies are still fresh in my mind. My mother and my sister were my best friends. My sister and I were roommates. She was already in her junior year in high school when I came and she was like a mother to me as well. My world revolved around my family, as is always the case with little kids. Looking back, most of what I can remember from my childhood days was spent in that pink room, inside a Little Mermaid tent with all my Barbie dolls, playing all by myself. I was alone, yes, but I wasn’t lonely. Little did I know, it was always going to be that way for me…



“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”

Proverbs 22: 6


The early years of my grade school life were marked by revelations and greater achievements for me. Before stepping into first grade, I was bashful and timid. I would rather sit in one corner all alone and eat by myself than play and talk with some of my classmates. I was a loner, but then there were two of my classmates who liked me a lot that they accompanied me wherever I went. They were identical twins and were my first close friends in my student life’s journey. By the time I finished kindergarten, I still didn’t have much friends. I wasn’t like most kids who loved to play in school. I just wanted to be with my papa and mama all the time. Grade school changed all that. It was during my elementary days when I found out about what I was capable of. Unexpectedly, I ranked first in my class. I didn’t even know I was intelligent enough to get in the top ten. Being shy was an advantage for me somehow- I learned to gain knowledge in silence. I was a quiet observer and my mind absorbed everything that I encountered. I was one of the fastest readers in the first grade, and my teachers commended me for being good with the English language at such a young age. Despite all the early accomplishments, I was concerned with a more important thing- God. My sister was a Sunday school teacher, and so was my mother. Because of their profound influence on me, I was already curious about God at such an early age. I am proud to say that I was brought up well. I didn’t know that the Christian values taught to me then would strengthen the foundation of the godly life I would begin to live in the future.



No Goodbyes Please, Daddy!


“Will you hold me in your arms as I rest in your knee? Won’t you tell me my favorite story? I was an orphan, you adopted me.”

Stay– by Vineyard


After living in the same house for nine years, it was hard to leave and get settled again in a new neighborhood. But the newly built house promised a brighter and happier future ahead so I, along with my family, took the step to a more beautiful life, or so we thought. At a 180-degree turn of events, my fairy tale life suddenly became an Academy award-winning drama of all time.

I woke up that strange and lonely night in my room, hearing familiar voices from outside. I was scared of the dark so I didn’t venture peeking on who were talking. I closed my eyes and tried hard to listen. The voices were inaudible but I knew that there were more than three people talking. After a few more minutes, the voices were suddenly hushed, as everyone seemed to go back to their respective rooms. I once again closed my eyes and tried to go back to sleep when the door to my room opened and someone went in. I pretended to be asleep and neither moved nor responded when someone, whose scent I knew all too well, sat on the side of my bed and kissed me on the cheek. He breathed deeply and spent a few more seconds just sitting there beside me. I felt his eyes on me and I knew he was sad. He touched my hair and finally stood up. I couldn’t move, I was scared he’d find out I was trying to eavesdrop. Then at last, he left the room closing the door slowly behind him and I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I never thought that the following day, I would learn that sometimes, fairy tales are simply what they are.



Days of Elijah


“When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm. Father you are King over the flood. I will be still and know you are God.”

Still- by Hillsong


I was nine years old when I first encountered the harshness of life. Pain is a reality; hardship is one of life’s facts. These were the things I realized when my life started to crumble right before my very eyes. My perfect world was not so perfect after all. My blanket of security was taken away from me and I was left alone, lost and groping in the dark.

When papa left, everything went wrong for us. The bank took away our cars, we began selling our furniture, and we had to live on what little money my mother had left. It was trying times. No, it was hard times. For the first time, I had to ride the jeepney to school. It wasn’t entirely the worst thing that happened to me, but it sure was a humbling experience. Faith kept us going, God’s love made us strong.



Reality Bites

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.”

1 Corinthians 13: 11


This was the verse I quoted in my farewell address during my graduation day in grade school. It was the end of the first chapter of my life and the beginning of a new, exciting and unpredictable one. My father and my mother met again that day. We celebrated my triumph together, and indeed, it was a day of closing one chapter to open another. We found out that my dad was sick. He lost a lot of weight that got everyone worried. It got him worried. One thing led to another, and as spontaneous as things always are in my life, my parents got back together. My father called my mother one day and told her to meet him in the States that summer. My mom, who was still so much in love with my dad, didn’t have to think about it twice. She will later find out that my father’s condition was worse. Prior his departure from the Philippines, he had a major operation wherein one of his kidneys was removed. He left for the States to seek medical attention. He was admitted to the hospital there for operation. The rest of the family stormed heaven for our dad’s complete recovery.

That Saturday morning, just a few minutes after I got up from bed, my mom called us informing us that dad underwent an open-close operation. The doctors saw that the cancer cells have spread all over his body and that if they went on with the operation, he just might die on the operating table right then and there. There was nothing more that they can do. The doctors gave up, but my mother wouldn’t.



Standing and Believing

“Have faith in God…I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him”

Mark 11: 22, 23


Because of my mama’s faith, God’s power was manifested. She brought my father back home to us. The whole family picked them up at the airport, and all of us couldn’t believe what we saw. I cried at the sight of my father’s thin and frail body, and I couldn’t look at him for long. I saw the pain in his eyes to see me crying like that, but I couldn’t have helped it. Weak as I was, I didn’t know if there was any hope left for us to hang on.

After months of praying for healing and deliverance, we began to see improvements in my dad’s physical condition. If he couldn’t stand up by himself before, he began trying and eventually succeeded. He started to eat and drink by himself, exercised, picked up the remote control and go to the bathroom -things that were impossible for him to do alone. They went to the doctor and found out that papa was now out of danger. The cancer cells vanished as if they were never there. What was left was a miniscule node in his left kidney- nothing to worry about. Indeed, God is alive.


Stepping Out of the Comfort Zone

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11


When my dad recovered from cancer, he wanted to start a new life again. He brought my mom and me to Manila and we lived there for the rest of my high school life.

High school wasn’t easy for me. I had to balance family, friends and school. In the middle of all that, I had to adjust to the new “culture” I was in. Manila was an entirely different world for me. I had to adjust with new people and new ways of living. It was hard at first. I cried all the time, and even when I was in school, I would sit in a corner at lunch and just weep because of what I was facing. I wanted to go back home! The first few months were hard for me. I just wanted to stay home with my mother and never go back to school where I considered the people mean and “mayabang.” Then I met Timmy.

Timmy was also a new student from San Pablo, Laguna. Being the “provincianas” that we were, we had a lot in common. I met other interesting people and I began forming friends, which my parents expected I would. I started to get out of my shell and my comfort zone and began having a social life. Slowly, I seemed to have forgotten about Bacolod. After a few more months, I was convinced I didn’t belong to Bacolod anymore. Manila was my new home, and I believed that I always belonged there. I enjoyed my life immensely. I was back to being daddy’s little girl and mama’s darling hija. My best friend Timmy was wonderful and so was her family. I had such great friends and I excelled in class. I couldn’t have asked for more!

Just when I thought everything was going great, disaster struck once again. I would rather not get into the details of it because it was a bit worse than the earlier problems I encountered. This time, it was more painful because I was now fully aware of what was going on with my life.

Even Heroes Die

“Wrap your strong arms around me, this is my peace. Father, stay close to me. Stay…oh, will you stay?”

Stay- by Vineyard


During my high school years, my father was involved with everything that was going on in my life. He went along with me and my friends to the mall, watched movies with my cousin and me, took me to the dressmaker for my prom dress, brought me to Enchanted Kingdom, Tagaytay, Baguio and other places he can think of, went shopping with me, took me out on dates at fancy restaurants, read with me, went swimming with me, cooked for me, washed and ironed my clothes… everything you can think of. My father was patient with me. He loved me. Me…me...me...all me!

It was during my junior year when his health started failing him again. He regularly went to the doctor, but things began to get serious until the day when he finally got worse. The memory of it all is much too painful for me to describe in detail. My world revolved around my father. I wanted to be just like him and there was nothing I wanted more than to please him and make him proud of me. I needed his approval more than anything else. My papa was my hero.

I saw everything. I saw him suffer the harshness of cancer. It ate him up and I was there to witness it all. It felt like holding on to a rope, but your hand is beginning to slide down. You try your best not to let go, but it’s impossible because your fingers are giving in. I was holding on to the hope that my dad would live to see me graduate from college and see the fruit of his labor. I held on to the hope that he would live to dance with me on my 18th birthday and that he would still be there to walk me to the aisle as I get married someday. I needed more time with him. I felt deprived. Sixteen years wasn’t enough. I wanted more of him; I wanted my papa beside me to tell me that everything was going to be alright, as he always did. But he wasn’t anymore. Instead, he was lying there, helpless and in pain with no one to help him. And all I can do was look on and hold his hand wishing that he would stay. But sixteen years in this world was enough time for me to learn that I can’t always get what I want.

Papa wasn’t able to kiss me goodbye this time around. He wasn’t able to look at me in my sleep or touch my hair. He simply closed his eyes, and left me for good. As I kissed his cheek with one final kiss, I knew I was never going to see him again. Only one question kept racing in my mind, “Papa, why didn’t you stay?”



His Power Made Perfect in Weakness

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2Corinthians 12: 9, 10


November 9, 2003 was the day I closed another chapter of my life and began turning the page of a new one. It was the day my dad finally met His Maker. It was the day that would change my life forever.

It was nearing graduation and all of us were busy with our college applications. I already passed the UPCAT and the DLSU-CET and was in one of the many crossroads in my life. I needed to decide on which school to enroll and what course to take. It was a choice between Computer Science in UP-Manila or Accountancy in De La Salle. My aunt in the States who promised to give me her full support already provided for my tuition money. All I had to do was to make a decision. I couldn’t take the pressure of having to decide and thinking about all the other concerns bugging me that time, so I decided I needed a break. I went home to Bacolod for a while to think about it. I already paid the reservation fee in La Salle because I was half sure that it was where I wanted to study. I have always talked with my dad about going to La Salle and taking up accountancy there. He liked the idea very much so I was always bent on pursuing that goal.

While in Bacolod, my family (who, by the way, lived here) tried hard to convince me not to go back to Manila anymore. They said that I could always get a good education anywhere as long as I’m dedicated and diligent enough. Every night, I cried because of how things were turning out. I never planned on going back home to stay here and study. I loved Manila. It was home. I cried on how unfair things were to me. I saw my hopes and dreams come tumbling down right before my eyes. I wanted to scream out of frustration. To make the long story short, I did stay. I took the CSAT, passed and enrolled. Pretty easy...

My freshman year was a blur. It was a year of growing up for me. As I’ve written on my blog (http://justmaryet.blogspot.com), 2004 was the year when I made so many mistakes and 2005 was when I learned from all of them. It was the point in my life that I had to rise up after falling so many times, mend what I thought was a broken heart, and heal my wounded soul.

I thought about whether I should write about this or not, but since I want to cover everything about my life in this autobiography, I decided to go ahead and talk about it.

Not Quite Forever

“A broken spirit and a contrite heart, you will not despise. You will not despise…You desire truth, in the inward part. A broken spirit and a contrite heart…”


It is an unspoken agreement in our house that I shouldn’t get into any relationship yet until I finish college or until my family has approved of it already. For the first time, I committed the worst kind of disobedience in my life. I broke my family’s trust. I went on having a boyfriend behind their backs for about two months before I finally told my mother about it. I knew they hated me for it. During that time, I really thought I was in love. I guess the profound influence that movies had on me was partially to be blamed by my twisted view of love- “fighting for it” when everyone was against it. I don’t know what went on inside my mind that time but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t thinking right. I was totally deceived by my emotions that I stopped using my brain. I couldn’t begin to explain how bad I feel about what I did. Months after my confession, I was still rebellious. I didn’t want to eat, isolated myself and acted sad and depressed most of the time. Drama… drama… drama! I felt like Juliet being locked up and banned from seeing her Romeo. I didn’t know I was making a total fool of myself.

After a few more months, I still believed that I was meant for this guy and he was meant for me. I didn’t give up on the idea that we might end up together. That is until the day I found out that he was already seeing someone else. I was crushed, or so I thought. Where’s the “forever” you promised me??? I was furious, hurt and humiliated that I wanted to stay in bed for the rest of my life. When I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer, I went to my mom and cried my heart out to her. Amidst all my tears and angry outburst, she tried so hard not to laugh at me. She couldn’t have tried harder! She and my sister couldn’t help laughing at my predicament because they were thinking of how silly it was! Thinking about it now, I know it was indeed very foolish and seemed like the typical plot of a teenage love story you’d see on TV. Again, drama…drama… drama!


An Escape from Reality

“How could I not be moved, Lord, here with you? So have your way in me. If there is just one thing that I would seek…this is my cry. My one desire is to be where you are Lord, now and forever.”

One Desire- Hillsong


My pride, more than my heart, was truly hurt when I found out that this guy was courting someone else. After feeling insulted and rejected, I looked for an escape route where I could hide from my problems. And I found one- Cyber World! I started to learn how to chat in the Internet on my own. I tried playing with my computer and finding out what I had in my laptop. I didn’t know I had Yahoo Messenger and Mirc installed in my pc. After figuring out how to use them, I started chatting. Since then, I became obsessed with talking to people online! I liked the fact that I can be whoever I wanted to be in cyberspace and no one would judge me. I liked the fact that I was in touch with people from different backgrounds in different parts of the world. It took all my time and attention. I have forgotten all about my problems when I was online, but unfortunately, I also seemed to have forgotten about God. I was consumed with this new addiction that nothing else mattered to me except for it! I didn’t know that God would use this situation to bring me closer to Him! This was only the beginning of the greater things He has prepared for me… of the greater things to come!




No Accidents

“Draw me close to you. Never let me go. I lay it all down again, to hear you say that I’m your friend. You are my desire, no one else will do. ‘Coz nothing else could take your place to fill the warmth of your embrace. Help me find a way, just bring me back to you.”

Draw me close to you

I wrote this entry on my blog one night. This is how I met a friend online:


It’s been a while since I last posted an entry on this blog. A lot has happened since November 15, which caused drastic changes in me. I started chatting about 3-4 months ago, and as a newbie in MIRC and messenger (or to cyberspace in general), it has been my rule never to give personal details to any of the people I meet online. I’ve met a lot of people from my place who ask for personal information such as my cellphone number or my address and even ask to meet in real life, as is a usual thing nowadays. However, it has never tempted me to give out such or agree to meet in person with anyone. One night though, I met someone who, just like the others, asked for my number. He wasn’t much different from the people I usually meet on irc, but I don’t know what came over me that night that without much persuasion, I gave my cellphone and landline numbers to him. I discovered that we had many things in common.

It was during that time when I was a bit spiritually off. He kept inviting me to go to church with him but I wasn’t ready for that yet. I hadn’t been to church for a long time that I deemed it useless to start going now. He was persistent. Every Saturday night, he would go online just to remind me that it was Sunday the next day and I should go to church. I always had an excuse or sometimes I’d agree to come but won’t show up. But then I felt guilty of what I kept on doing to him when all along he was just concerned about me. I knew that I disappointed him a lot of times so I decided to finally try going. That Sunday, I found out that one of my best friends in school also went to that Church. I also found out that my chatmate was a wonderful person. Going to Church that Sunday was exactly what I needed. I felt God speaking to me, and it was the time that I recommitted my life to Christ.

Of course, things didn’t instantly and dramatically change. It was and still is a gradual process of knowing who God is in my life. I know I am a different person now. My desire to seek God and prioritize Him in my life is stronger than ever. In the span of two weeks, I brought five friends to Church. I invited my cousin, who in turn, invited her friend, who hopefully would invite other people too. It is amazing (and sometimes a bit funny) to note that it all started with one person I met on MIRC who didn’t give up on convincing me that I needed the same God who I was beginning to lose faith in. When chatting started to become an addiction for me, God used it to bring me back to Him. Truly, He works in mysterious ways.


New Beginnings…

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.”

2 Corinthians 5:17


That Sunday made a big impact on my life. I started going to church again and slowly, I became involved with church activities, until finally, I became a committed member of the body of Christ! I met Ate Sharon who helped me get to know God deeper and better! I have found Christ in my life and He totally changed me. Over the past few months, I have discovered a lot of things and God has revealed to me so much about His character that I find it hard to put all of them in writing. Experiencing God is one thing that I want others to also live through. For many years, I have been a mediocre Christian, not wanting to make a difference in this world. I was contented with who I was, not wanting to discover God’s purpose for my life. As I started seeking God and finding Him, I knew I was now living for a cause…I was living for something great- greater than I could ever ask for or imagine! I was living for God.

As I try to look at my life, I realized that in many instances, I was stripped off with everything I had, and got nothing left but God, only to find out, that having God is enough. I admit I was too dependent on my father before. I was the apple of my papa’s eye and I loved him so very much. At first, I blamed God for taking my papa away from me. I didn’t know that truly, His will for my life is good, pleasing and perfect. Now that my father is gone, I have come to know my Heavenly Father who loves me much more than my papa could ever have. Knowing God as my Father has led me to a more intimate relationship with Him, and it is one thing that I could never exchange for anything!

Forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead- this is what I want to put my focus on now. What has happened before is already in the past. We do not have the power to change it, but we can do something about what is yet to come. If I dwell on my past, I could never move on to a much better future God has prepared for me. I want to pay attention on the present and on what I can do NOW that would make a big difference on my tomorrow. Like the apostle Paul, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I am now soaring like an eagle flying high above the sky! I am soaring toward my destiny- fullness in Christ!